Genderqueers <3

First of all, it's been way too long since my last post. I tend to forget about internet activities.

I was just reading the blog of an aquiantance in which she talked about Gender in Lexington. So, the posts made me feel like writing about my experiences in Lexington and in Kentucky as a Queer/Genderqueer person.

Being genderqueer isn't easy in Kentucky. My inbetween state of gender confuses most people and leaves me explaining things that most people either don't want to hear or don't understand. I think that the majority of people cannot fathom there being an inbetween or even more so that there could be NO gender. The gender binary is alive and well my friends... a man is this and a woman is this. That's how it is and the majority cannot see past this.

Although, I know a good handful of people in Lexington that call themselves genderqueer I don't really even hang out with them. I'm a loner, I'm not a social butterfly... I have a hard time becoming friends with people who have a large group of friends... so this kind of leaves me out of the genderqueer loop in good ol Lexington.

Louisville has a much larger amount of queers and genderqueers which is ONE (there are many) of the reasons I am almost certain I will be moving there. I think that in order for me to be happy I need to be surrounded by people that are similar or at least have a larger community that I feel comfortable with. On the other hand, I think to myself how much Lexington needs educated about genderqueers and/or queers... and how would I be helping if I just move?

I suppose I feel closer to the Transgendered community because it's a community used to dealing with gender... but in all honesty.. it is still NOT my community. I don't want to be a boy... I don't want to be a girl.. I just want to be me... genderless.... I have found myself uncovering more of my "girly-side" while living in this small town (paintsville). I think I feel a bit more on the outside when I dress too genderqueer.... and I HATE that this town has done that to me.

I can't wait for the day when I go to fill out a form and gender isn't on there anymore... I have hope.

Any comments or questions? Sometimes I don't explain myself well.. I tend to ramble... :)

Fuck Corporate America

Yes, I got a job... finally. I have acquired a job at Ponderosa. Yes, a buffet/steak house. I found myself feeling so very overwhelmed today while filling out the pages upon pages of paperwork. First of all, I had to buy my own uniform (black pants, white button up shirt and "treadsafe" shoes... they provided me with a tie and a name tag... OH and let me not forget the hat). I find it somewhat unnecessary that I had to BUY these things... shouldn't this chain restaurant provide me with the "required" attire since they actually require it? Is this too much to ask. Seriously, should I really have to spend $50 of my own money-- while I am still actually unemployed-- in order to get a job? I think not. They definitely should provide this shit.

Getting on to the HAT subject... After buying all of my required pieces and filling out all of the fucking paperwork I am told that I will be forced to either wear a hat (which says PONDEROSA on the front) or dye my hair to a "natural color". WTF? Why did they hire me if they were unhappy with my hair color. AND can i state for a fact that my hair is black and a shade of red... it's not even fucking bright fire engine red or anything... just a shade of "semi-natural" red. This REALLY pissed me off. Maybe it shouldn't... but it fucking did.

I know, i know... i'm overreacting. Slightly. Most people do not understand why these types of things irritate and enrage me... I guess for the most part I get angry because I strive every day to be myself... to be true to myself and to not compromise for anyone... so when I get this job at a fucking BUFFET steak house I have to hide myself, I have to change myself in order to get $6.70 an hour. I suppose I shouldn't complain too much seeing as how i need a job but it really does bother me. I'm not cut out for corporate fucking america. I'm not cut out for food chains, especially ones in small towns for that matter. haha.

I guess this is enough of a ramble. Honestly, the job isn't that bad... i mostly just stand there at the front counter waiting for people to come in so i can take their money and watch them eat piles and piles of meat. UGH. The job will be fairly easy and i do in fact need some form of income. On a lighter/happier note, I am doing a painting for a friend and i am SUPER excited about it. :) I thank Tasha bunches and bunches for actually wanting to purchase a painting of my original art work. I can't wait to get started in the next couple of days. :)

I'll keep everyone posted on how the job goes and if i can actually stand to keep it. haha. Hope everyone is well and that I get to visit my friends soon. I need a night of drinking and smoking while standing on the street.

The Start of Everything

The last month has been a blur at this point and I am not really sure what to discuss. The shitty part of the last month is that I still do not have a job and I honestly do not know if I will be finding one during my lovely stay in this small town. The possibilities for employment are greatly limited and I find myself over qualified for most positions. I am hoping that I can at least do some freelance work while I am here. I am supposed to paint a room for a neighbor--but that has supposed to have happened for ... a month now.

Last Thursday I went to Lexington for a show that I couldnt miss. The Shondes were in town and I really have to admit that they are one of my favorite bands. Of course, I have A LOT of favorite bands people tell me. I do like a lot of bands but as I say "they are on different levels". SO, the show was fucking awesome and I was so excited to see them again. I took some pictures and I think they are going to put them in their blog. Which excites me even more. :)

I need to meditate more... on a regular basis. I need to figure out this Egyptian thing that Tucky and I have been discussing. If you are interested ... look in to Bast (or Bastet). There is some connection to her through me. Not really sure how to describe this.. or even talk about it... but could it be a form of reincarnation? It seems possible to me.

I need to trim my fingernails, it's really bothering me right now with all of this typing. I wanted to write a wonderful blog and talk about some deeper things but I think that will wait until later when I have actual privacy. I am in class as I write this and should probably be working on my Indesign projects. Brittany is sleeping under the table next to me... and I think that makes me angry since I would enjoy sleeping at this moment. I suppose she can get away with it because she has to work. whatever.

I feel bitter today.

this is a blog

it's 8.8.8 and i'm sitting at home with nothing much to do. waiting on a phone call which is exciting. I am going to lexington tomorrow for my papaws birthday party.. we will be eating at Texas Roadhouse which i am not looking forward to at all. "lets take the vegetarian to the steakhouse"... but i have to remember it isn't about me... it's for my papaw and his 70th birthday. WOAH, 70. how crazy is it going to be when i am 70? I can't even begin to fathom what my life will be like at 70... it scares me to think that far into the future. scares me really bad.

I am still looking for a job and I am having NO luck what-so-ever. sad sad sad sad.

I am trying to stay positive and be happy in this place because i know that is what i need to do and what i should do. It really isn't going to be the best experience if I am not happy or at least trying to be satisfied with the reality of my life at the moment. over-analyzing always gets me into trouble.. but it is what i am best at.

i miss people. I miss the people who make me feel important and awesome. i try not to think of what I miss about where i was before where I am now... but it's hard not to. it's such a different life now. it's only for a year.. living in this small town. but shit, a year is a long time for me.

talked to an old friend today and that made me happy even though we aren't "friends" anymore. was good to just chat about things that do not matter instead of fighting and arguing. yeah.

get to see someone special tomorrow and that excites me. maybe i will even get to see other special people. :)

tonight is a strange night. a friend is having some problems and doesn't want to talk... wants to lock herself in a small dark room and lay on the floor. worries me because i know that she needs to just talk and get it out... but she refuses... so i decided i would just write her little notes and slide them under the door to let her know that I am here and i'm not going anywhere. i hope it helped and that she knows that i am here. That's the best thing to know when you are down... that someone actually cares about what happens to you and that someone IS there when and if you decide you need them. that's all i ever want when i am down... because sometimes there are no words to describe what you are feeling and you want to talk but you do not know how... it is just nice to know that someone is there and they would just sit with you while you cryed or just stared at the wall.

anyways... on a lighter note: my birthday is coming up soon. EXCITEMENT. i absolutely LOVE birthdays.. especially my own of course. the big 26 is soon approaching. :) only ....10 days til my lovely birthday. i hope its a good one.

until another day.

happiness

The thing is I go back and forth about happiness. I know that happiness comes from within, that I shouldn't rely on outside "things" to make me happy, that i should remind myself how beautiful the world is, that i should live each day like it were my last. BUT, seriously when it comes down to it... it takes a lot of fucking effort to do that everyday.

I feel happy today, I am happy today... but i'm not one to think about happiness that much. I don't ask myself if i'm happy or sad or announce it to the world everyday. I just AM -- and whatever that is probably isn't either happy or sad.

The reason I am thinking and talking about happiness and letting things go and just living is due to discussion with my buddy Jes about all of these things and I think i have somewhat figured out why it is that I can't just say i'm happy and that all things in the past or future do matter...

I can't say that I am happy with this world.. because I am not happy with this world. I think SO many things could be different. I couldn't call myself a radical feminist if I didn't want CHANGE in the world. I couldn't promote veganism if I didn't want CHANGE in the world. I wouldn't be the artist that I am and strive to become if I didn't want CHANGE in the world. maybe i'm taking what she is saying to heart... and thinking that it should apply on every level... but i can't do that.

I do believe that everyone is connected. That we are all the same. That we all have the same potential (which is why I strive for change..because not everyone sees these things) I do believe that we can create our own hell on earth--but I do believe that sometimes our hells can be created by others... I do believe that we shouldn't dwell in the past or future because all we really do have is the NOW... but I also think that some things that happen to us in our pasts are not that easy to forget... let's just use Rape as an example.. having that happen to you isn't something that you can forget about--you can use it and grow from it in different way--but some people need help and therapy.. so just saying that you should not hold onto your past isn't all that easy. and lastly I guess I never really thought about how "thoughts are the only things that creates past and future"... all it is .. is thoughts. she's right.. you are right jes. BUT man oh man.. thoughts are powerful.

okay.. i just had to write some of this down... I will probably use this as a starting point for my next vlog on youtube.

if you are reading this and are interested in what i am talking about... go watch jesbodimer on youtube... the link is: http://www.youtube.com/jesbodimer

Thanks. and yeah.

cigarettes and yoga

I haven't had a cigarette today.. and I am dying for one. My granny told me earlier that I really should be careful about going outside at night to smoke on the back porch; because copperhead snakes may be trying to lay on the warm concrete. like, woah... thanks granny. AND, she told me this while I was saying that I get freaked out going outside at night. I am afraid of bears and honestly the silence is a little hard to handle at the moment, I mean I lived downtown lexington for 2 years-there was a constant state of noise whether it was people outside or sirens- there was always something. Here on the other hand, I hear the occasional dog bark, frogs, crickets and other types of bug noises and well... that is about it. The sky is so dark, the stars are like popping out of it. Which is pretty amazing and I wish I could find someone that wants to go lay up on a hill with me to look at the stars. Any takers? let me know-no commitments-no pressure for kisses or sex-just some innocent star gazing. man, i'm ridiculous.

While on my little adventure to the "big city" I acquired a tape from tucky; she gave me the first yoga video she ever watched-when she was 13. I watched it today and I must say I feel so good. I feel so light. does that make sense? I'm pretty sure that I am going to HAVE to start doing yoga on a daily if not regular basis at least. It just seemed to help me clear my mind and not worry about things-in general. haha. I was showing my granny and papaw a move (can't remember the name of it) but my papaw was like "oh, I can do that!" and he did... stood on one foot.lol.

anywho. I just wanted to make an update-explain how good I feel today. I made 2 youtube videos today-but only got one to post. poo-i'll post the other tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should have stopped writing my blogs on myspace or not... because only one person has came over to this site to comment. Which makes me sad.. because I'm a leo- i need attention- and I prefer to invite the attention via internet so if you are reading this then you really should leave me a comment.

enough. I am a searcher for attention sometimes and at other times I really could care less. It's strange. I'm going to attempt to stop smoking at least as much as I have been. The thing is- yes I want to quit because honestly I get embarrassed that I am a smoker-but otherwise I thoroughly enjoy smoking. blah blah blah. I do think that by doing yoga on a regular basis it may in fact help me to quit smoking because I will be so focused on my mind and body. Shit, we'll see. It's just talk right now-but at least it's in my head as something i would like to work on and explore.

goodbye.

Just had a night out at Mia's and to my surprise it wasn't as fun as I had hoped it would be. I mean, I did get to hang out with a few of my favorite people. I got to sing a couple of my favorite songs and of course got to see lots of the 'homosexuals' which made me happy. I think I am just not very happy because I will be going back to "the middle of nowhere" (aka-paintsville) tomorrow. I had a great weekend like I stated in my previous blog. I got shit faced drunk saturday and in turn threw up 3 different times (twice outside of the bar and once on the ride home... had to pull over) which of course i am not proud of but that seems to be what happens when you don't drink for weeks and then drink a fuck ton of different stuff. haha.

I'm not really sure that there is any rhyme or reason to this blog, I just felt like typing and expresses some emotions going through my head. I miss people even when I'm right beside them. Does that make sense? I can't get over my fucking shyness and it kills me, BUT I am trying extremely hard to overcome my issues. Previous blog stated a lot of those issues. They might not seem like that much but they leave me paralyzed on so many levels. I find myself lonely and in this spiral of self hate. I never feel happy with where my life is... and I know that most people have these issues but it never feels like anyone understands because NO ONE can ever know exactly how you are feeling.

I want badly to be loved and to love but most of the time I feel incapable of giving or receiving love. I tend to overcompensate with friends, by giving them all of my time and resources I leave myself with nothing. I leave no room to give to anyone else. I think that the next year of living in paintsville may be the best or worst year of my life. For the past 2 weeks I have hardly done a thing. I have watched a billion movies, made 3 vlogs for youtube, wrote blogs, and made 1 lovely card for someone. I haven't tried to get a job yet really... applied for one place and had an interview... I don't want to work there but there aren't many options in such a small town.

I'm not sure what's bothering me tonight but I feel like something is...

I feel sad and lonely. I'm still at Tucky's and we are hanging out. I'm excited to be here, excited to be hanging out with Tucky while she practices her guitar but I feel unsatisfied. I always feel unsatisfied. I feel as though I can't get out of my head long enough to enjoy life. I have touched on this subject before in other blogs (on myspace) and I know what I need to do in order to change these problems but doing and saying are way different. It's like we get comfortable with the way we are even if we hate that person (and i'm not saying that I hate myself... just certain aspects of me) and we want to change but it's just easier to stay the same and deal with things the way you always have.

I don't tell many people this but I have always had this strong desire for self injury. I have never done anything about it... but it's always been a fantasy of mine. Something I day dream about. I'm sure that scares some people. Shit, it scares me. I think I should stop writing because I'm not sure what i'm trying accomplish with this blog.

I just fucking FEEl too much!