happiness

The thing is I go back and forth about happiness. I know that happiness comes from within, that I shouldn't rely on outside "things" to make me happy, that i should remind myself how beautiful the world is, that i should live each day like it were my last. BUT, seriously when it comes down to it... it takes a lot of fucking effort to do that everyday.

I feel happy today, I am happy today... but i'm not one to think about happiness that much. I don't ask myself if i'm happy or sad or announce it to the world everyday. I just AM -- and whatever that is probably isn't either happy or sad.

The reason I am thinking and talking about happiness and letting things go and just living is due to discussion with my buddy Jes about all of these things and I think i have somewhat figured out why it is that I can't just say i'm happy and that all things in the past or future do matter...

I can't say that I am happy with this world.. because I am not happy with this world. I think SO many things could be different. I couldn't call myself a radical feminist if I didn't want CHANGE in the world. I couldn't promote veganism if I didn't want CHANGE in the world. I wouldn't be the artist that I am and strive to become if I didn't want CHANGE in the world. maybe i'm taking what she is saying to heart... and thinking that it should apply on every level... but i can't do that.

I do believe that everyone is connected. That we are all the same. That we all have the same potential (which is why I strive for change..because not everyone sees these things) I do believe that we can create our own hell on earth--but I do believe that sometimes our hells can be created by others... I do believe that we shouldn't dwell in the past or future because all we really do have is the NOW... but I also think that some things that happen to us in our pasts are not that easy to forget... let's just use Rape as an example.. having that happen to you isn't something that you can forget about--you can use it and grow from it in different way--but some people need help and therapy.. so just saying that you should not hold onto your past isn't all that easy. and lastly I guess I never really thought about how "thoughts are the only things that creates past and future"... all it is .. is thoughts. she's right.. you are right jes. BUT man oh man.. thoughts are powerful.

okay.. i just had to write some of this down... I will probably use this as a starting point for my next vlog on youtube.

if you are reading this and are interested in what i am talking about... go watch jesbodimer on youtube... the link is: http://www.youtube.com/jesbodimer

Thanks. and yeah.

cigarettes and yoga

I haven't had a cigarette today.. and I am dying for one. My granny told me earlier that I really should be careful about going outside at night to smoke on the back porch; because copperhead snakes may be trying to lay on the warm concrete. like, woah... thanks granny. AND, she told me this while I was saying that I get freaked out going outside at night. I am afraid of bears and honestly the silence is a little hard to handle at the moment, I mean I lived downtown lexington for 2 years-there was a constant state of noise whether it was people outside or sirens- there was always something. Here on the other hand, I hear the occasional dog bark, frogs, crickets and other types of bug noises and well... that is about it. The sky is so dark, the stars are like popping out of it. Which is pretty amazing and I wish I could find someone that wants to go lay up on a hill with me to look at the stars. Any takers? let me know-no commitments-no pressure for kisses or sex-just some innocent star gazing. man, i'm ridiculous.

While on my little adventure to the "big city" I acquired a tape from tucky; she gave me the first yoga video she ever watched-when she was 13. I watched it today and I must say I feel so good. I feel so light. does that make sense? I'm pretty sure that I am going to HAVE to start doing yoga on a daily if not regular basis at least. It just seemed to help me clear my mind and not worry about things-in general. haha. I was showing my granny and papaw a move (can't remember the name of it) but my papaw was like "oh, I can do that!" and he did... stood on one foot.lol.

anywho. I just wanted to make an update-explain how good I feel today. I made 2 youtube videos today-but only got one to post. poo-i'll post the other tomorrow. I'm not sure if I should have stopped writing my blogs on myspace or not... because only one person has came over to this site to comment. Which makes me sad.. because I'm a leo- i need attention- and I prefer to invite the attention via internet so if you are reading this then you really should leave me a comment.

enough. I am a searcher for attention sometimes and at other times I really could care less. It's strange. I'm going to attempt to stop smoking at least as much as I have been. The thing is- yes I want to quit because honestly I get embarrassed that I am a smoker-but otherwise I thoroughly enjoy smoking. blah blah blah. I do think that by doing yoga on a regular basis it may in fact help me to quit smoking because I will be so focused on my mind and body. Shit, we'll see. It's just talk right now-but at least it's in my head as something i would like to work on and explore.

goodbye.

Just had a night out at Mia's and to my surprise it wasn't as fun as I had hoped it would be. I mean, I did get to hang out with a few of my favorite people. I got to sing a couple of my favorite songs and of course got to see lots of the 'homosexuals' which made me happy. I think I am just not very happy because I will be going back to "the middle of nowhere" (aka-paintsville) tomorrow. I had a great weekend like I stated in my previous blog. I got shit faced drunk saturday and in turn threw up 3 different times (twice outside of the bar and once on the ride home... had to pull over) which of course i am not proud of but that seems to be what happens when you don't drink for weeks and then drink a fuck ton of different stuff. haha.

I'm not really sure that there is any rhyme or reason to this blog, I just felt like typing and expresses some emotions going through my head. I miss people even when I'm right beside them. Does that make sense? I can't get over my fucking shyness and it kills me, BUT I am trying extremely hard to overcome my issues. Previous blog stated a lot of those issues. They might not seem like that much but they leave me paralyzed on so many levels. I find myself lonely and in this spiral of self hate. I never feel happy with where my life is... and I know that most people have these issues but it never feels like anyone understands because NO ONE can ever know exactly how you are feeling.

I want badly to be loved and to love but most of the time I feel incapable of giving or receiving love. I tend to overcompensate with friends, by giving them all of my time and resources I leave myself with nothing. I leave no room to give to anyone else. I think that the next year of living in paintsville may be the best or worst year of my life. For the past 2 weeks I have hardly done a thing. I have watched a billion movies, made 3 vlogs for youtube, wrote blogs, and made 1 lovely card for someone. I haven't tried to get a job yet really... applied for one place and had an interview... I don't want to work there but there aren't many options in such a small town.

I'm not sure what's bothering me tonight but I feel like something is...

I feel sad and lonely. I'm still at Tucky's and we are hanging out. I'm excited to be here, excited to be hanging out with Tucky while she practices her guitar but I feel unsatisfied. I always feel unsatisfied. I feel as though I can't get out of my head long enough to enjoy life. I have touched on this subject before in other blogs (on myspace) and I know what I need to do in order to change these problems but doing and saying are way different. It's like we get comfortable with the way we are even if we hate that person (and i'm not saying that I hate myself... just certain aspects of me) and we want to change but it's just easier to stay the same and deal with things the way you always have.

I don't tell many people this but I have always had this strong desire for self injury. I have never done anything about it... but it's always been a fantasy of mine. Something I day dream about. I'm sure that scares some people. Shit, it scares me. I think I should stop writing because I'm not sure what i'm trying accomplish with this blog.

I just fucking FEEl too much!

my head and heart

I find it hard to separate my head from my heart. For the past... year I have kept my heart clear of any harm. There will be several points to this blog so I may jump around a bit.

Last year I had my first tattoo done. A thick black lined heart on my upper arm and stitches going all around it. The significance of this tattoo is pretty obvious to me, but some people don't get it. They think the stitches are pins. BUT, I got this tattoo because I DO in fact wear my heart on my sleeve. I give it over to people with out thoroughly thinking things through and by putting the stitches around the heart was my sort of way of making myself aware that sometimes I need to keep my heart in place, keep it to myself.


I'm thinking that making myself aware of that part of myself has made me become somewhat cold-hearted. I know I have honestly. The thing is I have met some really amazing people over the past year, many of whom would be great partners on an intimate level but I have not let myself delve into such. I've barely had a relationship for the past 2 years. I have dated. I have slept with some. I have tried once to actually let myself fall for someone. BUT this is where my head comes in...

The part that stops me is the fact that I am afraid of missing out on something or someone else. That I am giving myself over to someone. I'm just not sure whether monogamy is for me. I've been toying with the idea of monogamy and polyamory. I've called myself poly on several occasions because at this point it seems more fitting but I just don't know AND i'm not sure if i can decide a thing like that.

I find myself interested in someone (actually a couple of people) right now and this person in particular is COMPLETELY monogamous. She isn't pressuring me into anything right now...but already I am pressuring myself because I do not want to hurt her. I just spent an amazing weekend with this person... amazing weekend. And I could see myself really falling for her but here comes my head telling me that I am a heartbreaker and all I will end up doing is getting to the point where we are in love and then I'll just rip out from under both our feet. That's what I seem to do. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT! I really don't and people say "well, if you didn't want to do that then you wouldn't. you just enjoy hurting people" I really don't.

I just get scared of love and commitment and anything really that's permanent (except tattoos- because tattoos are part of me..it doesn't involve ANYone else). As much as I want to continue this with her and see where it goes I am already scared of hurting her...scared of creating drama and shit that just doesn't need to be created. I'm not sure that I will, but in the back of my mind I know that I have done it before.

The last time I decided to actually give myself over... to see what happens, to let myself be comfortable enough to fall in love.... the other one was the one who fucked it all up... and dumped me SO... enough said.

It seems to be that monogamy is a gamble for me... I just need to stop thinking about what's going to happen in the future and worry about what's going on right now. I had a great weekend with someone and I care for them and that's all that matters right now. I just have to keep telling myself that... over and over and over. I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to be hurt anymore. Enough is enough you know.

I wish myself luck on making the right decisions and not pulling out before i get in too deep. I hate that I have these inner conflicts about love and sex and commitment... no one understands how awful it is to feel this way when all you want really is love.

the first

I have been thinking of starting a blog for a while now, but just never got around to doing so. Most of my blogging has been done on myspace and for some reason I am getting tired of that. I have had the issue of whether to make my blogs private or public and usually end up making them public but feel as though I leave parts out due to the fact that I am afraid someone may read something that may upset them. SO, this will be my new place away from myspace to ramble and babble on and on about what ever the fuck I want to and I'm not going to hold back... no holds barred.

On another note, I recently (about 3 months ago) starting vlogging on youtube. This has came as a positive experience for me and I plan to continue on my path of youtube vlogging. I started vlogging as an experiment of sorts to try and get myself out of my shell. I tend to over analyze and over think EVERYTHING and by forcing myself to actually speak instead of only think I thought that it would help me to use that in actual life situations. I dont' know, I think it may be helping but who the fuck knows.

I have become addicted to YouTube, I felt that would be something you need to know. I have just recently moved back into my Mothers. I live with her and my brother. I am going to school (again) to get an associates in Graphic Design. I have a Bachelors of Fine Arts Degree... and I double majored in Photography and Printmaking. I am an artist through and through... and this is just a short description of who I am in case of the viewers from youtube happen to stumble upon my blogs. I associate myself as being Queer.. genderqueer and sometimes a genderfuck. The subject of queer is most likely going to come up frequently in my blogs as I am trying to figure out how to cope with being queer and now living in a VERY small town for the next year... and also my struggle of becoming Vegan. I just made the decision to go Vegan... and I have been Vegetarian for the past 6 months if not longer... It's proving to be difficult for many reasons.

OKay, I do believe my intro blog is long enough for now and I hope to have some viewers to leave me wonderful comments. Until next time, au revoir. <3