Just had a night out at Mia's and to my surprise it wasn't as fun as I had hoped it would be. I mean, I did get to hang out with a few of my favorite people. I got to sing a couple of my favorite songs and of course got to see lots of the 'homosexuals' which made me happy. I think I am just not very happy because I will be going back to "the middle of nowhere" (aka-paintsville) tomorrow. I had a great weekend like I stated in my previous blog. I got shit faced drunk saturday and in turn threw up 3 different times (twice outside of the bar and once on the ride home... had to pull over) which of course i am not proud of but that seems to be what happens when you don't drink for weeks and then drink a fuck ton of different stuff. haha.

I'm not really sure that there is any rhyme or reason to this blog, I just felt like typing and expresses some emotions going through my head. I miss people even when I'm right beside them. Does that make sense? I can't get over my fucking shyness and it kills me, BUT I am trying extremely hard to overcome my issues. Previous blog stated a lot of those issues. They might not seem like that much but they leave me paralyzed on so many levels. I find myself lonely and in this spiral of self hate. I never feel happy with where my life is... and I know that most people have these issues but it never feels like anyone understands because NO ONE can ever know exactly how you are feeling.

I want badly to be loved and to love but most of the time I feel incapable of giving or receiving love. I tend to overcompensate with friends, by giving them all of my time and resources I leave myself with nothing. I leave no room to give to anyone else. I think that the next year of living in paintsville may be the best or worst year of my life. For the past 2 weeks I have hardly done a thing. I have watched a billion movies, made 3 vlogs for youtube, wrote blogs, and made 1 lovely card for someone. I haven't tried to get a job yet really... applied for one place and had an interview... I don't want to work there but there aren't many options in such a small town.

I'm not sure what's bothering me tonight but I feel like something is...

I feel sad and lonely. I'm still at Tucky's and we are hanging out. I'm excited to be here, excited to be hanging out with Tucky while she practices her guitar but I feel unsatisfied. I always feel unsatisfied. I feel as though I can't get out of my head long enough to enjoy life. I have touched on this subject before in other blogs (on myspace) and I know what I need to do in order to change these problems but doing and saying are way different. It's like we get comfortable with the way we are even if we hate that person (and i'm not saying that I hate myself... just certain aspects of me) and we want to change but it's just easier to stay the same and deal with things the way you always have.

I don't tell many people this but I have always had this strong desire for self injury. I have never done anything about it... but it's always been a fantasy of mine. Something I day dream about. I'm sure that scares some people. Shit, it scares me. I think I should stop writing because I'm not sure what i'm trying accomplish with this blog.

I just fucking FEEl too much!