my head and heart

I find it hard to separate my head from my heart. For the past... year I have kept my heart clear of any harm. There will be several points to this blog so I may jump around a bit.

Last year I had my first tattoo done. A thick black lined heart on my upper arm and stitches going all around it. The significance of this tattoo is pretty obvious to me, but some people don't get it. They think the stitches are pins. BUT, I got this tattoo because I DO in fact wear my heart on my sleeve. I give it over to people with out thoroughly thinking things through and by putting the stitches around the heart was my sort of way of making myself aware that sometimes I need to keep my heart in place, keep it to myself.


I'm thinking that making myself aware of that part of myself has made me become somewhat cold-hearted. I know I have honestly. The thing is I have met some really amazing people over the past year, many of whom would be great partners on an intimate level but I have not let myself delve into such. I've barely had a relationship for the past 2 years. I have dated. I have slept with some. I have tried once to actually let myself fall for someone. BUT this is where my head comes in...

The part that stops me is the fact that I am afraid of missing out on something or someone else. That I am giving myself over to someone. I'm just not sure whether monogamy is for me. I've been toying with the idea of monogamy and polyamory. I've called myself poly on several occasions because at this point it seems more fitting but I just don't know AND i'm not sure if i can decide a thing like that.

I find myself interested in someone (actually a couple of people) right now and this person in particular is COMPLETELY monogamous. She isn't pressuring me into anything right now...but already I am pressuring myself because I do not want to hurt her. I just spent an amazing weekend with this person... amazing weekend. And I could see myself really falling for her but here comes my head telling me that I am a heartbreaker and all I will end up doing is getting to the point where we are in love and then I'll just rip out from under both our feet. That's what I seem to do. I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT! I really don't and people say "well, if you didn't want to do that then you wouldn't. you just enjoy hurting people" I really don't.

I just get scared of love and commitment and anything really that's permanent (except tattoos- because tattoos are part of me..it doesn't involve ANYone else). As much as I want to continue this with her and see where it goes I am already scared of hurting her...scared of creating drama and shit that just doesn't need to be created. I'm not sure that I will, but in the back of my mind I know that I have done it before.

The last time I decided to actually give myself over... to see what happens, to let myself be comfortable enough to fall in love.... the other one was the one who fucked it all up... and dumped me SO... enough said.

It seems to be that monogamy is a gamble for me... I just need to stop thinking about what's going to happen in the future and worry about what's going on right now. I had a great weekend with someone and I care for them and that's all that matters right now. I just have to keep telling myself that... over and over and over. I don't want to hurt her and I don't want to be hurt anymore. Enough is enough you know.

I wish myself luck on making the right decisions and not pulling out before i get in too deep. I hate that I have these inner conflicts about love and sex and commitment... no one understands how awful it is to feel this way when all you want really is love.